according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
