I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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