Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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