you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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