I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
