____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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