Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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