September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
