I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Rumble strips road head = magical
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
