Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
