thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
