my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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