Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
