between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
