And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
bring money and cleavage
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
