my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
