hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
