You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
