So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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