I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
