Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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