I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
