Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
