She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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