1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
