Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
