I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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