I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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