grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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