who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
