we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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