Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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