Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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