he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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