Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she peed on how many people?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
