I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
