Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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