By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
