Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
