Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
