Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
