I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
