I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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