May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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