Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
