If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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