I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
