I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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