tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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