Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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