I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
