I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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