I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Randomize
